By Ken "Skip" Hill
- unswervingly committed; extreme; uncompromising.
I have come to hate the word so much that when I hear it I cringe. Why? Because it seems that everyone who uses the word has their own definition of what hardcore is. Sometimes when I hear the word it gives me that feeling I get when I hear a 14-year-old boy tell his girlfriend that he loves her. He might think
he does but he really has no freakin’ clue.
Beast Mode [beest-mohd]
- a mode that you switch into when doing hardcore activities; having beast-like characteristics.
As if hardcore wasn’t bad enough, it has now been replaced with a much younger, “hipper” word (yes, I dated myself by saying that, so what?) with an even more nebulous meaning. The term beast mode is just as abused as hardcore and the only real difference is that you sound like more of a douchebag by saying it. Hence the growing popularity…I guess?
Instead of writing one of my usual rants I have decided instead to take the time and shed a brighter light on the definition of these two painfully overused words so that if you are going to use either one of them, you will at least do so in the correct context.
I have put together a test to see if you really are hardcore or in beast mode when it comes to your training, diet, lifestyle, etc.
Simply answer yes or no to the situations below and don’t lie because I’ll know.
1. Have you ever been so sore from leg training that on at least one occasion you have stood at the top of a flight of stairs and thought to yourself, “it would be less painful to just fall down the stairs than to try to walk down them”?
2. If a nine-year-old girl with cerebral palsy walked up to you in the gym and asked you how she could get her arms bigger, would you just scowl at her and point at your earbuds before shaking your head and walking away?
3. Have your ever politely declined a threesome with your wife and her girlfriend because you were scheduled to eat a meal in thirty minutes? (Yes, it matters that it is two women. There can be no bromo in a threesome, just sayin’.)
4. If you were asked to name your top ten favorite movies of all time would nine of them star Arnold?
5. Has your back ever been so sore that you opted to go straight from the toilet to the shower instead of attempting to wipe your ass?
6. Have you ever eaten meat your knew was bad simply because the thought of going catabolic by not eating any protein for the next three hours is just too much to deal with?
7. a)Girls: Do you choose pictures to post on Facebook where you are standing next to your fat, ugly friend so you look hotter?
b) Guys: Replace the word “fat” with “small”, and “hotter” with “HYOOGE”, above.
8. While vacuuming, do you switch arms every 20-30 seconds so that you don’t ruin your symmetry?
9. Have you ever been so sore that you considered shitting standing up instead of dealing with the pain of bending your legs to actually sit on the toilet?
10. Would you offend your grandmother by not eating her birthday cake at her 100th birthday party and then get irritated when she gets emotional because she just doesn’t understand you and your goals?
11. Have you contemplated making a career out of bouncing or stripping?
12. Have you ever driven past a gym with a daycare only to pull into the beast mode gym where you sit your child in the corner for over two hours with a PS3 and expect him/her to keep occupied while you train?
13. Do you know you have done enough sets for a muscle group only when you cramp, puke or pass out?
14. Lastly, have you ever spent your rent money on protein powder and other supplements *cough* figuring you only have to deal with this now because one day this will all work itself out when you turn pro?
How to evaluate your score:
- If you answered yes to 1-3 of the above situations you have slight beast mode tendencies but you must work harder. You are a beast mode wannabe. Don’t be lazy, work harder.
- If you answered yes 4-7 times then you are dysfunctional but should fit in well at most gyms around the country that cater to hardcore competitors. You could also benefit from some form of therapy but you tend to deny this when the topic is presented to you. You qualify for the Dr. Phil show but they won’t have you on due to the fact that you refuse to sit on the left side of the stage because you’re convinced that you look bigger in the light on the right side.
- If you answered yes for 8-11 questions, seriously, don’t have kids. It is bad enough that we have to deal with you now but God forbid the sport would have to deal with your offspring in twenty years. Keep these three things in mind: condoms, Planned Parenthood and foster care.
Ken “Skip” Hill has spent 30 years in the trenches of bodybuilding. He owns TEAM SKIP Nutritional Consulting, where he specializes in conditioning for bodybuilders and high-level athletes. You can reach Skip through his website, TEAMSKIP.net and follow him on Twitter (@IntenseMuscle).
- If you answered yes to all of the above, congratulations, you are that special kind of person that the rest of us can’t stand to be around. You do qualify for beast mode and it is safe to say you are definitely hardcore. You absolutely need therapy and no one wants to hang out with you because people who would even consider taking a shit while standing up are just plain wrong. What makes it worse is that while the rest of us are scowling and shaking our heads at you, you're smiling. #beastmode #hardcore #douchelike …. #Just Sayin’.